Interlude: The benefits of ‘washing’

7 05 2011

Basically ever since I arrived in the Philippines over a year ago and discovered this for the first time (thanks to Firth!), I’ve been wanting to do a blog post on the benefits of ass-washing, rather than wiping.

To all my friends in North America, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, or, if you do, have already immediately written off my words as the babblings of a madman. But if you haven’t, then let me attempt to sell on the arguments supporting this wonderful lifestyle choice:

First, what do I mean by ass washing? – Ass washing can be defined as the use of water to clean one’s ass following defecation, rather than toilet paper. The two can also be used in combination (paper, followed by water), though to me this is the wimpy version and needs no further mentioning here.

How does one carry out the task of ass washing? – There a couple different methods. The first and most common (in terms of % of the world’s ass washing population who use it) is the simple scoop and bucket.

Using this method, one simply takes a scoop of water while sitting (or squatting), bends their torso forward, and pours it between their ass cheeks. I would usually do this three or four times (it sometimes takes a bit of maneuvering to get the water to wash over the anus itself). After this, I will do a subsequent pour, only this time I will also go in with my hand – pouring and wiping with my fingers at the same time. “WHAT?!”, you scream, as your conservative North American values (which are historically mainly influenced by conservative Christianity) kick in; “EWW, WHAT THE HELL, WIPING YOUR ASS WITH YOUR FINGERS IS GROSSSSSSSS”.

Ok, stop. Take a deep breath. A couple of facts need to be stated for you right now: 1) Unless you had half a log of shit hanging out of ass when you commenced the pouring activities (which you shouldn’t have.. ever…), the 3-4 pours that precede you going in with your hand already take 99% of anything on your anus away ; 2) When you go in with your hand, you’re simultaneously pouring water, so anything remaining that is loosened by your wiping movements will be washed away, not stick to your hand; 3) I’ve never once – ever – finished this operation and noticed any form of shit on my fingers. Never once. And even if I did, that’s what the adjacent sink and bar of soap are for; and 4) It’s your own fucking body. Grow up. What do you have to be scared of? Seriously, I’m sure some of you have engaged in anal sex at some point – is that really any different? In fact, it’s probably way, way grosser (I certainly have no desire to try it), so, if you have and yet won’t try this, you’re a hypocrite of the highest order.

Anyways, there is another, even easier way to engage in ass washing, and that is through the pressurized ass washing hose. This one makes your life way easier; just take the hose, hold it underneath you while aiming at your anus, and fire away. This hoses are usually pressurized enough that you don’t even need to go in with your hand to finish the job (though I still always do – why not?).

There is also, of course, the infamous bidet, as well as the similarly infamous super-complicated Japanese bidet toilet. Both of these are similarly easy – water on, wash, a finishing finger wipe, and you’re done.

Ok, you say, so you’ve told me how to do it, but why should I bother?

There are more good reasons than you might initially guess. Let me outline a few for you:

1. It’s cleaner and more hygienic. This is a proven fact. Firth mentioned to me in San Fernando before that he had actually read a scientific study analyzing bacterial counts in the underwear of washers and wipers. The underwear of washers was way cleaner. Why is this? The answer should be obvious. If you spill some mud on your floor, what works better at cleaning it up – attempting to wipe it up with a dry paper towel or hosing the area down with water? Water is nature’s ultimate cleaning agent. While toilet paper removes large fecal particles, it basically just smears the finer stuff around your anus until the next time you take a shower. (Not to mention those occasional shits that just seem to never come clean –  you wipe and wipe and wipe and just can’t get it finished.) Try this if you’re not convinced: Go a couple weeks without washing your ass when you’re in the shower – rely solely on toilet paper to clean it. Water, on the other hand, is your shower, right then and there. You could do the same experiment of not washing your ass in the shower for a week and have it emerge still totally clean if you’re a washer.

2. It saves you money and saves the environment. In North America, toilet paper is more expensive than water. This is a fact. So, every time you buy toilet paper, you’re basically throwing money away. Add to that the huge demand placed on our forests because of our desire for paper products. Most toilet paper is not made from recycled fibres, but from original trees. Why clearcut a forest to wipe our asses with when we could do the same task with just a couple litres of water?

3. It makes your anus feel like a king. Do you suffer from hemorrhoids? Do you sometimes get a bleeding ass if you wipe too much in a day (say, for example, when you’ve got food poisoning and have to shit like 6 times in one day)? With toilet paper, the more you wipe, the more irritated your ass gets. Nothing is nastier than a bleeding anus, especially if you’re not finished wiping yet, and so then you’re smearing shit and blood together. Gross! But with washing, your ass will never, ever get irritated. I’ve had food poisoning a few times in Asia that resulted in me shitting several times in one day. With washing, my result was that, even after your 6th or 7th shit of the day, my anus felt great – no soreness, no blood (the rest of me felt terrible, but that’s besides the point). Can you really say that about toilet paper?

4. Its easier and faster than wiping. Another fact. With toilet paper, you’ve gotta pull the roll, take your squares, fold ’em up, wipe wipe wipe, drop, and repeat at least a couple more times. With washing, especially with a hose, you just take the hose, aim, squirt for maybe 5-10 seconds, do a brief clean-up wipe with your hand, and you’re done. BUT WAIT, you ask, HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT I NOW HAVE A SOAKING WET ASS? , Well, yes. Yes you do. However, this is less of a problem than you might think. Before I stand up, I will usually brush my ass cheeks off to get large water particles off, then stand up, do sort of a brief ass shake, then pull my pants up. Sure, there are still a few errant drops, but they’re absorbed into your clothes in a minute or two, with no other sign of anything having ever happened to you. If you’re really that concerned, just buy yourself a dedicated ass-towel to put beside the toilet. As to your floor, yes, you may get some droplets onto it, but again, so? They’ll be dried up in a matter of minutes.

5. It makes flushing easier. Nothing is more embarrassing that clogging a toilet, especially if you’re at someone else’s house. Well, if you suddenly remove all the toilet paper from the flush, there’s a lot less volume to flush down, and a lot lower chance of a clog. Now, I know some people flush first before starting to wipe, then flush again. Ok, but then you’ve flushed twice, thereby wasting 20 odd litres of water.

6. It gives you confidence. Since ass-washing is such a rare thing to encounter in the Western World, the chances are that most people you meet are wipers. You can therefore make some pretty nice confidence-boosting assumptions when you, for example, walk into a club and see some gorgeous girls there or walk into an executive’s meeting and see all your high level bosses there. You, and only you, my friend, have the *cleanest* anus in the room. Yes, your anus is cleaner than that smoking hot broad’s; yes, your anus is cleaner than the Queen of England’s; yes, your anus is cleaner than President Obama’s (though he spent time in Indonesia, so he might be a washer, who knows). How cool is that?

7. It prepares you for travelling / You never have to worry about walking into a toilet and seeing an empty paper roll. There are probably more people in this world who wash than wipe. Much of Asia washes, as does some of the Middle East and possibly Africa. So, if you ever plan on travelling to these places, you will likely run into situations where the toilet you hope to shit in has no sight of any toilet paper. Heck, this can even happen anywhere in the Western World, if you’re unlucky enough to walk into a stall with no roll. When you’re a washer though, all you need is some sort of water pouring apparatus (which are usually present in Asian toilets, like the scoop above) and you’ve got yourself a clean ass anywhere, anytime.

8. It works for feminine hygiene too. I am under the impression that in North America, most women finish their urinations with a wipe of toilet paper. I can tell you here that Gloria simply uses a spray of our ass-washing hose. Again, your vagina will emerge much cleaner, as you’re not simply smearing the urine around, and, don’t worry, it will dry just as fast as your ass. (Or you could also have another dedicated vaginal drying towel, though that’s a bit excessive!)

I’ll close by saying that, once you start, you’ll never want to go back. Washing is addictively nice. I was forced to revert to wiping in China some times and hated every second of it – my ass was a shit-encrusted, bleeding mess. I’m sure yours is too right now. That’s gross dude. Seriously. You want to attract women/men? You want a faster and more efficient experience in the toilet? You want cleaner undies? – Switch to washing. It’s time you woke up to the age old practice that most of the world is already well-schooled in.

Please post your questions or concerns. I want to help you all as much as I can on your journeys toward washing freedom! Haha

Until next time.

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7 responses

9 05 2011
Andrew

Washing? Wiping? Who cares? They’re both just band-aid solutions that draw attention away from the larger issue. People need to stop shitting, period.

9 05 2011
Mom and Dad

Sorry, no scoop or bucket allowed in our bathroom and no butt shaking or drip drying either. Toilet paper rules!

9 05 2011
Washer for life!!

This “Mom and Dad” post is tragically unadventurous and irrational. They fail to even consider the possibility that billions of people around the world, washing for millenia, might know something that they don’t.

10 05 2011
filipinojulian

Sorry Mom and Dad, I’m with this guy! 😛

11 05 2011
M.a.D.

Agree with Andrew, wash or wipe who cares, just do it! And wash your damn hands well with soap and water! Stop the spread of disease!

18 05 2011
Dexter Brown

Washing your arse after defecating feels much better, than plastering shit all over you arsehole.
I am sure who ever created humans did not sit down and made a prototype first.
For who else than a Public servant will place a playing field right next to a sewer outlet.
At least if you wash after a shit no one will even know that there is a sewer outlet so close by.

28 02 2012
nicole

This is a no skid mark household I am proud to say!

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